Dan kicks it in the Land of the Chosen People, Vol. I
Gordie enjoyed talking on his cell phone. Gordie’s full name was actually Gordie Blackberry, Toronto Businessman Hockey Superfan (or GBTBHS for short). I assigned him his nickname 5 minutes after he got to his seat, 2 rows behind mine, on our Toronto-bound plane. Social etiquette is pretty clear on rules for chatting on a cell phone while in a crowded and confined public space: you don’t do it. If you’re already on your phone when you get to such a space, you finish the conversation and hang up.
But Gordie was a champ, not a quitter. Even after all the passengers were seated and ready for take-off, Gordie went on yapping for another 10 minutes - and just to be clear, he was not phoning in the instructions for emergency quadruple bypass heart surgery. Instead, here was a quick snippet of his conversation: “Sure, Colleen, I know the ref made a lousy call, but that’s hockey, y’know? He’s got 3 more games to play and we’re gonna focus on those.” Really, guy who is obviously from Toronto, still talking on his cell phone as if the passengers unluckily strapped in next to you can’t hear your drivel, is that how you feel about your son’s most recent pee wee hockey game (I‘m assuming it‘s your son‘s game - because if it‘s your own , beer league game that you‘re talking about, and you look like you’re - what - in your late forties, then that’s pretty gay. On the other hand, if you’re talking about an NHL game you caught on TV, that’s actually pathetic.)? No one on the plane wants to hear your ceaseless gum-flapping - so turn off your phone, jackass.
I didn’t actually tell Gordie any of this, obviously, but I did secretly hope the stewardess would suddenly lose control of her beverage cart and that the runaway cart might nail Gordie in the legs, and maybe even dislocate his knee. But that did not happen, and in the end I was glad. Not even GBTBHS deserved such a fate. Instead, I thought how cool it would be if his blackberry endured a direct hit of lightinging such that the phone would melt and fuse permanently to his face. He would be a mutant superhero - or maybe just a guy who would forever regret talking so much on his cell phone.
GBTBHS was the first thing worth writing about on my flight to Israel. He was actually on my flight from Montreal / Toronto, after which I would connect to Tel Aviv. My layover in Toronto was 3.5 hours, which would normally be brutal if I hadn’t been so lucky to have scored a pass into the Air Canada VIP lounge. Nothing really cuts the boredom of waiting for a flight - or the agitation of dealing with ass-hat fellow passengers - like complementary wine, cheese, and wifi.
I know what you want to ask, so I’ll spare you the awkwardness and go ahead and answer your question preemptively: Yes, it is totally acceptable to surf for porn in an airport VIP lounge, but - and this is key - you need to have a glass of wine in your hand while you’re doing it. Seriously, beer won’t do it - it’s just not classy enough. Whiskey in a highball is just old man-creepy. But wine works. I can’t explain it but holding a glass of wine cuts through the perversity of the act of leering at internet smut like a hot knife through butter. Go ahead, try it in your own, shared dwelling - the exchange with your roommate or Significant Other should go something like this:
Roommate/Significant Other: Hey - are you looking at porn right now?
You: -glug, glug, glug- I am indeed. There are some excellent things featured on Youporn today.
R/SO: That’s disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself. Wait - are you drinking wine?
You: It’s a Shiraz. Kendall Jackson, actually. Go grab some, I’ve opened a bottle in the kitchen
R/SO: Oh….Actually I think I will if you don‘t mind.
You: sure, go for it, and please knock next time.
And…SCENE.
Enjoying a glass of wine - and not, I will emphasize, a whole bottle (as drinking a bottle by yourself suggests a distinct lack of self control, which would dovetail nicely into the scenario of you looking at online porno in the first place) - really shows you to be a connoisseur of the finer things - a patron of the arts of your choosing, if you will. If having a glass of wine while admiring the nude bathers depicted in a Monet painting is so right, then why is enjoying a glass of pinot noir while taking in a viewing of “2 girls, 1 cup” so wrong? Exactly.
I feel like I may have digressed a bit here. I'll talk about Israel in my next post.
But Gordie was a champ, not a quitter. Even after all the passengers were seated and ready for take-off, Gordie went on yapping for another 10 minutes - and just to be clear, he was not phoning in the instructions for emergency quadruple bypass heart surgery. Instead, here was a quick snippet of his conversation: “Sure, Colleen, I know the ref made a lousy call, but that’s hockey, y’know? He’s got 3 more games to play and we’re gonna focus on those.” Really, guy who is obviously from Toronto, still talking on his cell phone as if the passengers unluckily strapped in next to you can’t hear your drivel, is that how you feel about your son’s most recent pee wee hockey game (I‘m assuming it‘s your son‘s game - because if it‘s your own , beer league game that you‘re talking about, and you look like you’re - what - in your late forties, then that’s pretty gay. On the other hand, if you’re talking about an NHL game you caught on TV, that’s actually pathetic.)? No one on the plane wants to hear your ceaseless gum-flapping - so turn off your phone, jackass.
I didn’t actually tell Gordie any of this, obviously, but I did secretly hope the stewardess would suddenly lose control of her beverage cart and that the runaway cart might nail Gordie in the legs, and maybe even dislocate his knee. But that did not happen, and in the end I was glad. Not even GBTBHS deserved such a fate. Instead, I thought how cool it would be if his blackberry endured a direct hit of lightinging such that the phone would melt and fuse permanently to his face. He would be a mutant superhero - or maybe just a guy who would forever regret talking so much on his cell phone.
GBTBHS was the first thing worth writing about on my flight to Israel. He was actually on my flight from Montreal / Toronto, after which I would connect to Tel Aviv. My layover in Toronto was 3.5 hours, which would normally be brutal if I hadn’t been so lucky to have scored a pass into the Air Canada VIP lounge. Nothing really cuts the boredom of waiting for a flight - or the agitation of dealing with ass-hat fellow passengers - like complementary wine, cheese, and wifi.
I know what you want to ask, so I’ll spare you the awkwardness and go ahead and answer your question preemptively: Yes, it is totally acceptable to surf for porn in an airport VIP lounge, but - and this is key - you need to have a glass of wine in your hand while you’re doing it. Seriously, beer won’t do it - it’s just not classy enough. Whiskey in a highball is just old man-creepy. But wine works. I can’t explain it but holding a glass of wine cuts through the perversity of the act of leering at internet smut like a hot knife through butter. Go ahead, try it in your own, shared dwelling - the exchange with your roommate or Significant Other should go something like this:
Roommate/Significant Other: Hey - are you looking at porn right now?
You: -glug, glug, glug- I am indeed. There are some excellent things featured on Youporn today.
R/SO: That’s disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself. Wait - are you drinking wine?
You: It’s a Shiraz. Kendall Jackson, actually. Go grab some, I’ve opened a bottle in the kitchen
R/SO: Oh….Actually I think I will if you don‘t mind.
You: sure, go for it, and please knock next time.
And…SCENE.
Enjoying a glass of wine - and not, I will emphasize, a whole bottle (as drinking a bottle by yourself suggests a distinct lack of self control, which would dovetail nicely into the scenario of you looking at online porno in the first place) - really shows you to be a connoisseur of the finer things - a patron of the arts of your choosing, if you will. If having a glass of wine while admiring the nude bathers depicted in a Monet painting is so right, then why is enjoying a glass of pinot noir while taking in a viewing of “2 girls, 1 cup” so wrong? Exactly.
I feel like I may have digressed a bit here. I'll talk about Israel in my next post.
posted by filthy soapbox at 11:48 AM
1 Comments:
Great to hear that you're doing well in Izrale. Go hit some of that fine Golan Heights nectar and get surfing. I hear that fine country has some excellent "telecoms infrastructure"
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